Happy Mothers' Day to all you mothers, to all of you who have lost your mothers, mothers who have lost their children, women who yearn to be mothers... all. This, as I get older, has become such a laden day. Of course, I think of my own mother... who, if I'm to be honest, I held at arm's length for years. What was I afraid of? That I wasn't a perfect child? That she wasn't a perfect Mom? How I wish I could get just one of those years back, because now... well, now I know. It doesn't matter. What matters is that she loved me, and I loved her, and what I wouldn't give to lavish her with love, affection and treats .... ach. That is a wish I'll never get. And I know she knows I hear her voice in my head ALL THE TIME. When I'm impatient with someone I hear her saying "They are doing the very best that they can." When I'm critical of someone she's saying "If they could change that about themselves they would." "Just do your best (really? because that one always went against the sort of judgement that I needed to be the 'best'...)." Still. I can look back now and see her frustrations, and her sense of loss which she felt all her life, after losing her parents and ending up in an orphanage.
And what I have that endures are her real gifts. Courage. Strength. Faith (which, yes, gets wobbly and even missing sometimes, but oops, there it is again!). Stubbornness. Drive. And compassion. All things which are the essentials in this world, gifts from her. Gifts I hope I can pass on to my own 3 wonderful children.